Search for Selflessness and the Spirit-Filled Life

I thought I'd share some of my writing of late... as I've been really wrestling (yet again) with this process of sanctification. The first is a prayer--the second a poem.

"So, Lord... I'm really challenged. ...I'm excited, scared, and doubtful all at the same time right now. I'm excited because I sense Your Spirit stirring in the moments and corners of my life--calling me deeper and further in this life of holy-love and self-sacrifice. I'm scared... scared of what all that will really mean and look like--like the geese in the BLC story. What will my friends think of me? Will I have time to relate to people the way I desire to? I'm not even sure
if those fears are rational or irrational--but they are there. What will it mean for my comfort? My future?

But then as I try to surrender those fears for the excitement of You transforming my life--I immediately face doubts. My doubts aren't in You--they're in me. How many times have I made commitments and fallen rather than following through? Again that whole concept of doing what I don't want to do comes to mind. So I doubt myself... Will I really let You work in my life? Am I really willing to be a person of discipline in all areas of life? I'm realizing that discipline doesn't really work if it's compartmentalized. You're calling me to be a person of discipline. That's hard... It affects everything--my sleeping patterns, eating habits, physical activity, devotional life, schoolwork, ministry, and relationships. It's incredibly overwhelming. And then there are the things of an internal nature... my private life, thoughts, attitudes, and desires. So, Jesus, I look at all this and doubt myself. Who can save me from this body of death? Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord! Jesus--take my fears and doubts. Take me. Jesus, I want to fly!"

the responsibility to be so near holy things…

and the temptation to be selfish…

self-focused…

self-centered…

self-oriented…

to expect to be paid back

to search for my needs to be met

to somehow expect to be fulfilled

to somehow live as though I think God owes me

even though I know it’s far from the truth

polar-opposite

to be Christ-like

to be self-giving

to give until it hurts

to give until it brings death

to focus on the needs of others

with little account of my own

to trust God to provide

my food

my funds

my friends

my fulfillment

in His timing

in His will

in His perfect way

for His glory

not mine

God, forgive me

Forgive my failings

my futility

my fears—rooted in

my lack of faith

Spirit, re-orient me

Take the selfishness out of me

Core it out of my heart

no longer let it rule my actions

my desires

… my ministry and service!?

God, I repent

and I do so full aware of the difficulty

that lies ahead of such repentance

God, I don’t even know HOW to rid myself of this

I don’t know where to start

I don’t know how to balance my life

I don’t know how to truly put myself last

and You first

I talk the talk well

I know how to impress

how to perform

how to appear to be

who I should be

but God, You and I know

what dominates my thoughts

what motivates my actions

what pushes me through days and weeks

You and I know the struggle

within me

the struggle

I’ve tried to control

even tried to surrender

But it always comes in a false form

it comes in remorse over a specific outbreak

of the disease that lives in me

it comes in paranoia

that people will see… that they’ll find out

it comes in the same selfishness

to which it is in response

Lord, change me

Fill me

Orient me toward you and others

please let my self die out

please…

I can’t do this anymore

teach me

change me

heal me

If you relate to this place... this struggle, I'd love your insights and comments. I know we've all been there at different points. Incredibly, we serve a God who is more than able.