Search for Selflessness and the Spirit-Filled Life

I thought I'd share some of my writing of late... as I've been really wrestling (yet again) with this process of sanctification. The first is a prayer--the second a poem.

"So, Lord... I'm really challenged. ...I'm excited, scared, and doubtful all at the same time right now. I'm excited because I sense Your Spirit stirring in the moments and corners of my life--calling me deeper and further in this life of holy-love and self-sacrifice. I'm scared... scared of what all that will really mean and look like--like the geese in the BLC story. What will my friends think of me? Will I have time to relate to people the way I desire to? I'm not even sure
if those fears are rational or irrational--but they are there. What will it mean for my comfort? My future?

But then as I try to surrender those fears for the excitement of You transforming my life--I immediately face doubts. My doubts aren't in You--they're in me. How many times have I made commitments and fallen rather than following through? Again that whole concept of doing what I don't want to do comes to mind. So I doubt myself... Will I really let You work in my life? Am I really willing to be a person of discipline in all areas of life? I'm realizing that discipline doesn't really work if it's compartmentalized. You're calling me to be a person of discipline. That's hard... It affects everything--my sleeping patterns, eating habits, physical activity, devotional life, schoolwork, ministry, and relationships. It's incredibly overwhelming. And then there are the things of an internal nature... my private life, thoughts, attitudes, and desires. So, Jesus, I look at all this and doubt myself. Who can save me from this body of death? Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord! Jesus--take my fears and doubts. Take me. Jesus, I want to fly!"

the responsibility to be so near holy things…

and the temptation to be selfish…

self-focused…

self-centered…

self-oriented…

to expect to be paid back

to search for my needs to be met

to somehow expect to be fulfilled

to somehow live as though I think God owes me

even though I know it’s far from the truth

polar-opposite

to be Christ-like

to be self-giving

to give until it hurts

to give until it brings death

to focus on the needs of others

with little account of my own

to trust God to provide

my food

my funds

my friends

my fulfillment

in His timing

in His will

in His perfect way

for His glory

not mine

God, forgive me

Forgive my failings

my futility

my fears—rooted in

my lack of faith

Spirit, re-orient me

Take the selfishness out of me

Core it out of my heart

no longer let it rule my actions

my desires

… my ministry and service!?

God, I repent

and I do so full aware of the difficulty

that lies ahead of such repentance

God, I don’t even know HOW to rid myself of this

I don’t know where to start

I don’t know how to balance my life

I don’t know how to truly put myself last

and You first

I talk the talk well

I know how to impress

how to perform

how to appear to be

who I should be

but God, You and I know

what dominates my thoughts

what motivates my actions

what pushes me through days and weeks

You and I know the struggle

within me

the struggle

I’ve tried to control

even tried to surrender

But it always comes in a false form

it comes in remorse over a specific outbreak

of the disease that lives in me

it comes in paranoia

that people will see… that they’ll find out

it comes in the same selfishness

to which it is in response

Lord, change me

Fill me

Orient me toward you and others

please let my self die out

please…

I can’t do this anymore

teach me

change me

heal me

If you relate to this place... this struggle, I'd love your insights and comments. I know we've all been there at different points. Incredibly, we serve a God who is more than able.

Life in Mississippi: A Quick Update

I realized that I haven't really updated about what all is going on in my life lately. Here's a few updates.

1. I don't live in a dorm anymore! Tory and Colleen, two of my best friends from Indiana, moved down here with me. We have an apartment in Richland, a suburb of Jackson. They both are going to local Christian undergraduate schools. Our apartment rocks my socks off! It's basically beautiful--kind of feels like a condo. I'm not sure how we afford it. It's nice to not be doing the whole dorm life thing anymore. Especially after living in a townhouse my senior year of college, it was kind of difficult to handle a dorm again. Plus, dorm life mixed with graduate school just isn't as nice of a mix anyway. Anyway, I'm super excited to be in our apartment.

2. I still work at that buffet place. That's right, I still work at Hamil's restaurant. I like working there a lot. It's a good atmosphere, usually :), and I enjoy my job. I've actually upped my hours a little bit for this school year compared to last. I'm feeling the effects of that already academically, but I'm determined to make it work. As to Starbucks, I quit at the beginning of this month. It wasn't quite working out for several reasons.

3. I'm more involved with teenagers again. I can't stay away from adolescents! haha. I'm co-leading the Wednesday night youth program at Olde Towne Community Church. I love these students. The balancing act of time is a challenge, but I love spending time with them and pouring into them along with teaching them. They're great!

4. I'm taking some cool classes. The schedule this semester consists of Learning Styles and Taxonomy with Luman--an introductory class to the Teaching concentration, Pentateuch with Oswalt, Introduction and History of the New Testament with Cockerill, and Hebrew for Exegesis with Oswalt. Also, with the new curriculum I'm enrolled in a 1/2 hour course per semester call Cumulative Formation Practice--which basically involves required material for personal devos that the whole seminary community is working through together plus a small group meeting once every three weeks.

5. I'll be here an extra six months. This is a tough one for me to just throw out there, but I've decided God has more for me in my "seminary/Mississippi" experience than just class work all the time. A lot of factors play into this, but it will take me 3.5 years to finish instead of just 3. I'm telling myself I'm ok with that--and I need to be because I feel like it's what God wants.

6. I'm praying about New Zealand. My eyes were recently opened to a great need among adolescents in New Zealand. I'm seriously praying about spending some time there, possibly with Global Partners, after seminary.

There's my update for the semester!

Seeds Remain Dormant For a Long Time Sometimes...

This morning, I wanted to write an encouragement note to everyone struggling to live a godly life and point the people around them to Christ. Sometimes it is discouraging... especially when people consistently want nothing to do with Jesus Christ. The looks and comments sometimes hurt us deeply, "Jesus freak..." "Religious nut!!" And other times... haha... you just want to scream because people don't get it at all! I remember one girl in junior high who asked me, "Why do you put yourself through all this?!" Because I love you--that's why. I put myself through this because Christ's love has totally transformed my life, and now His love overflows through me to you. I'm totally willing to be persecuted by you, FOR YOU.

Anyway, I suppose I should get to what prompted this encouragement note. In the past few years, I've been shocked by the correspondence I've had with some distant friends from high school. One friend contacted me about a year and a half ago. I had not heard a thing from him since graduation. He contacted me on facebook to let me know he had given his life to Christ. He let me know some of what God was doing in his life, and explained that he just knew I would want to know. Wow. Then, just this week, another old friend I have not heard from in almost six years contacted me--to let me know that he is searching for answers and truth. He wanted to be able to ask me some questions.

I'm so overwhelmed by all this for two reasons. One, I prayed for both of these people in junior high and high school. I could raid my old prayer journals and find their names. Second, neither of them showed any real interest while we were in school. They didn't ask me questions--I just tried to give them answers. Now one has found the Answer, and the other intentionally sought me out to start asking questions. Third, on a lighter note, both of these people found me on Facebook. How cool is it that Facebook can be a ministry tool?! :)

We are starting a series with the students at Olde Towne Community Church this Wednesday night about being able to give an answer for our faith--and why that is so necessary. It IS NECESSARY. And not only should we be able to give an answer, but our lives of love should be a type of answer in themselves. Our world needs and hungers for the truth of Jesus Christ. Don't be discouraged if it seems your seeds fall on dry ground! Keep planting! Don't give up! Six years from now, you may have a shocking and uplifting encounter. Seeds remain dormant for a long time sometimes... and they still can take root! Praise God who waters the seed!

Hear, O Israel

In my Hebrew class over the past three semesters, we've been reciting the Shema in Hebrew before class every week. To be totally honest, I hadn't actually memorized it (until recently) and would only mumble along with the rest of the class while I hunted for my printed copy in my notes. For some reason, however, this week I was spending time with the Lord and in the Word, and all that changed. I read the Shema in an English translation ("Hear, O Israel, the LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength"). After reading it, somehow the Shema in Hebrew began running over and over in my mind and continued to throughout the day and the rest of the week. It's been an incredible experience for me... as I pray this ancient creed in its original tongue throughout my daily routine.

I've begun to re-think the creed itself as a result. None of these insights are my own--they've all been acquired through classes and professors at WBS--but I thought I would share them as they have become more personal to me. I used to wonder at the variety of English translations of this passage in the "all of your_________" statements. I always thought it would be interesting to study the original, and interesting doesn't even cover it. The first word, often translated "heart," actually can mean heart, mind, and will in Hebrew. It describes the emotive and decision-making faculties of a person. While it is usually not the best exegesis to force a word to mean all of its possibilities at once in a given context, I consider this context to be one of trying to express the most holistic concept possible. Therefore, I don't think it is amiss to read just this first phrase as "Love the LORD your God with all your heart/mind/will." That's a lot in just one of the three phrases! Already it covers almost all we are able to convey in the English translation. The second word, often translated "soul," is the word used in Genesis when it says that God breathed into Adam and he became a living _________. The word itself actually conveys life or being itself--Adam became a living soul, a living life, a living being, a living person. So now we're to, "Love the LORD your God with all your heart/mind/will, with all your life/being/person..." Finally, the last phrase really blows my mind. The basic meaning is "with all your very much." The concept being communicated is along the lines of--if I've left anything out, love God with that too as much as you can! In conclusion, I've been challenged this week by the Hebrew equivalent of the following running through my mind: "Hear, O Israel, the LORD our God, the LORD is one! Love the LORD your God with all your heart, mind, and will, with all your life, being, and person, and with all your everything and anything you've got!" Wow... I long to love God that much in all my life.

Wesley Biblical Seminary

I am about to begin my second year at WBS, and I have been reflecting on my time spent there thus far. I want to share some of that reflection with anyone considering seminary. My experience has been life-changing and eye-opening to say the least.

1) If you're debating whether SEMINARY IS WORTH IT for local church ministry, I testify that it is more than worth it. I realize more each day how little I know about ministry--and how much more it is possible to learn. After one semester at WBS, I returned to the church where I had served on staff for three years to preach. Once the service was over, person after person who had sat under my previous ministry approached me and said, "WoW! I thought you could preach before, but oh my goodness!" "You've grown so much down there in just a few months!" "Seminary is really helping you!" Reflecting on my personal spiritual walk and ministry, I have no doubts that seminary is more than worth it. Three more years in the classroom will enable your years in the field to be much more productive.

2) If you're looking for a CHALLENGE, even after having a ministry bachelors degree under your belt, WBS is definitely a place for you. I suppose, being honest, I worried that it would be difficult to top the ministry education I received at Indiana Wesleyan University. However, despite the intense training I received with a double major in the Religion Department while at IWU, WBS has been a very stretching experience for me. The academics and ministry-training are rigorous, reaching a profoundly deeper level than what is possible in an undergraduate degree. There's no lack of a challenge here.

3) WBS is offering some unique degrees that can be completed in a shorter than usual amount of time and at much less than the usual cost. Financially, it's a smart choice of good stewardship.

These are just three reasons of many I would encourage WBS for someone thinking about seminary. If you have any questions, feel free to email me at amber.livermore@gmail.com.

Love Must Be Sincere

Today I was reading from Romans 12. It's by far one of my favorite chapters of Scripture, I suppose predominantly because I am always convicted by it. Today, however, a phrase stood out to me that I don't know I'd ever focused on before. Love must be sincere (v. 9). The profundity of that statement resonated with me.

Do we honestly know how to love? As Cities Burn has a song out called "Clouds" that says, "Is your love really love? Is my love really love? I don't think our love is really love, unless it's love to the end." I've had that stuck in my head for a few weeks because some of our youth at Olde Towne used it in a youth service a couple weeks back. I've been examining my heart... and realizing that I don't know if my love is really love--if it is sincere.

First of all, I've been questioning my love toward God. Last night I started a series with the youth on worship. For five weeks, we are on a journey in worshiping God. The first lesson was about our hearts--that worship isn't real if it does not come from a pure, sincere heart. I was amazed when I realized anew that the only way our hearts can be right in worship is if they are transformed by the power of the Holy Spirit. The only way we can worship God is through God. The only way we can love God is through God. Oh Lord, change our hearts! Enable us to love and worship You with sincerity! (Psalm 51)

Of course, only when our love toward God is sincere can we truly love other people. As I spent time in prayer today, I realized the only sincere love directed toward others is actually love which was received from God returned back to God--through others. Do we ever grasp what it is to love people? Jesus loved people... and His love meant laying down all His rights, all His comfort, and all His propriety. Do I love people like that?

Love MUST be sincere.

Submission in Marriage

Today I received a message from a girl who is in a relationship with the man she will most likely marry in the future. Growing up in the church, she has heard differing messages about the role submission plays in a marriage. Her conclusion was "I just don't understand the concept anymore and I need you to help me... can you explain it in a way that I can understand?" I think her state clearly exemplifies where a lot of young women in the Church find themselves on this topic. In a world when submission is seen as something negative or mis-interpreted as male domination, many women who honestly want to glorify God just "don't understand the concept anymore" and are asking for help. Below is my response to this young lady's honest inquiry (with a few things changed to protect her identity). I hope maybe it can be helpful to someone else as well.



Submission is NOT wrong. It's BIBLICAL! Very Biblical! Only not in the way you have sometimes heard it approached. Many have a skewed idea about submission (namely that it means that a woman's role is just to do whatever her husband desires)--but it is NOT wrong to emphasize submission for a healthy marriage! In fact, submission is all over the place in Scripture. Within the Trinity, the Son and the Spirit submit to the Father--and they are all co-equally God!
It comes down to this question. What is love? Real love? Is it just the way you feel when you're around a person you're close with? Or is it more? Obviously, you know it's more. But our clearest pictures of love come from the Trinity and God's love for us. The Trinity is made up of the three Persons of God who all exist in constant communion of SELF-GIVING LOVE. Jesus demonstrated God's love for us, that while we were still sinners, He DIED FOR US. See the theme? Love means giving of yourself. Love means sacrifice. Love means putting someone else first. And guess what? That's what submission is! Putting someone else first!

Check out Ephesians chapter 5. More than likely, your Bible puts a division between verse 21 and verse 22. That division wasn't there in the original Greek manuscripts. If you read 21 as the first verse of the section to follow rather than as the last verse of the previous section, it totally casts this typical "submission in marriage" passage in a new light. Who is submitting to who here? Well, it says we should submit to one another as Christians--and then it says a wife should submit to her husband as the Church to Christ, and then a husband should love his wife as Christ loved the Church. How did Christ love the Church? He died for her! That's the glory of the cross--Christ--who was God--DIED for us. He submitted to the ultimate point of death out of love for us! THAT is powerful. And the people of that day definitely caught the analogy--when a man was culturally considered to have so much authority over his wife--and Paul is saying--"You think you have authority? Well then--how about you handle your "authority" the way Christ did--she's going to submit to you, so you submit to her to the point of death for her betterment." This is where a lot of people miss it, in thinking submission is only from wife to husband. That's what sets a lot of women off. BUT...

Just because submission is a two-way street doesn't mean you tell him to submit to you. :) Adding the responsibility of submission on the guy's end does NOT negate the responsibility of submission on the gal's end. See what I mean? Just because he should submit too--doesn't mean you no longer have to. __(Name)__, out of true, holy, and Christ-like love for __(Name)__, he has to come FIRST to you. Now this is tricky... cause if I were talking to a teenage couple who were just dating--I'd tell them to be ever so careful not to build their world around their partner. And yes, your whole life shouldn't be him. But if you are entering into marriage with him, then you should be more about him than you are yourself. His best has to come first. Often this boils down to an issue of trust--do you trust your partner's character and love for you enough to trust that they will put you first as you put them first? Two people can't fight for their own rights in a marriage--that leads straight to divorce. Rather, they have to fight FOR EACH OTHER. That leads to 50th wedding anniversaries and the angels in heaven looking on in awe at the most perfect metaphor of Christ's relationship with the Church.

Let me know if this all helps--and spend some time in Ephesians 5.